A full list of my publications is available at kaufmanwrites.com.
This is the fifth year in a row that people have posted, en masse, “It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers,” to teh internetz, so I thought I’d write my own take on this annual tradition. I sent it off to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, who published the original article (and my own Open Letter to Jif Peanut Butter), but they said it was “too meta, even for [them].” So, for shits and giggles, I went and posted “It’s ‘It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers’ Season, Motherfuckers” to Buzzfeed Community. Because why the fuck not. After all, if you prick me, am I not still a hack?
Publishing Updates: Unstuck, Daily Science Fiction, Lightspeed, Unlikely Story, and Bonus PANK InterviewSeptember 10, 2014
I will probably never not neglect this blog. I know that some non-self-promotional-blogging is called for, but that’s not what I’m going to do today. Today I’m going to catch up on all the self-promotional news I haven’t blogged on my blog yet.
First, Unstuck 3 came out, and it includes my story “The Beginning of Peace.” The issue is already out of print, but can be purchased as an ebook from Amazon. Getting published in Unstuck was really, really exciting for me. They’ve published a whole host of authors who I love, and who have influenced my writing. It’s a wonderful feeling to share paper with such talented people. I also had a wonderful experience with the Unstuck editorial staff, who saw the potential in my story and had me write a whole second half for it. I’ve never before engaged in such extensive revision with an editor, but I can’t wait to do it again. If “The Beginning of Peace” is any good, half the credit goes to Josh Rolnick and the rest of the Unstuck editors.
If it sucks, please blame them.
Second, I made my first professional sci-fi/fantasy story sale to Daily Science Fiction. “Chapter One” is available to read free on their website. I can’t say I’m entirely happy with the formatting, but I am ecstatic that they liked the story enough to publish it.
Third and Fourth, I recently made two more professional-rate sci-fi/fantasy story sales: one to Lightspeed, and the other to Unlikely Story for the Journal of Unlikely Entomology. The story in JUE will be out in November, the story in Lightspeed doesn’t have a release date yet. Again, very exciting stuff for me. All I want from life is to be a professional writer, and to make a living doing it. This feels like a solid step towards that goal.
These three pro sales are also a testament to the effectiveness of the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer’s Workshop. Seriously, if you want to write science fiction and/or fantasy, apply to Clarion. I originally wrote the story Lightspeed bought for week five of Clarion, and the story in Daily Science Fiction was my week six effort. Unlikely Story bought my first post-Clarion effort. I owe Clarion a debt of gratitude, and I particularly owe Karen Joy Fowler and Kelly Link, who taught week five and six as a team, for their guidance and encouragement. They are amazing people, teachers, and authors. Buy their books.
Lastly, PANK interviewed me for their Lightning Room after publishing my story “Selling the Fall” (which is neither sci-fi nor fantasy, though it is weird). If you care what I think about, like, writing and shit, check it out.
I have decided to post the results to all of my Zimbio quizzes in one spot, rather than flood social media with separate posts for each delightful quiz. So here, without further ado, is the stuff. Read the rest of this entry »
I was very excited to find the new Gigantic Sequins in my mailbox today. Octopi!
It’s filled with wonderful things, the least of which is flash fiction from yours truly. You should totally support this wonderful journal, and fill your brain with wonderful: buy a copy here.
Also, start loving giganticsequins.com.
So, someone shared this article via social media (I swear, I wasn’t googling, “How to turn a thousand dollars of VR immersion equipment into a masturbation aid”). I’ll post a link, but the upshot is that a Japanese company that makes fake vaginas (faux-vaginas? Fauxginas! Nailed it!) that look like Neuro bottles has jury-rigged a set of Oculus Rift goggles, a Novint Falcon 3D haptic controller thing, and said fauxgina, into a gizmo to make you believe you’re being jerked off by a cartoon girl.
There’s nothing surprising to me about people figuring out how to use technology for sexual gratification. The technology exists, so we will figure out how to use it most effectively for porn. Least. Shocking. Thing. Ever.
No, I’m compelled to write a blog post because of this line: “‘I think that there’s a taboo with male masturbation,’ Sato [the CEO of the fauxgina company] said. ‘We want to normalize it, that’s why we design features for it.'”
That. That right there. To normalize a taboo, all you have to do is add features. Because if it’s a grand of technology instead of sixty cents of rubber tubing, it ain’t weird. Read the rest of this entry »
I work in a bookstore, so I come across a whole lot of books. Some of them I’m interested in, some of them I judge immediately, harshly, and generally, correctly, by their covers, and some of them I peruse innocently because maybe, just maybe, they’ll having something to say.
So it is that found myself opening Making Your Creative Mark. Let me share with you what I read:
Your first task as a creative person is to “mind your mind” and think thoughts that serve you. Doesn’t it make sense to speak to yourself in ways that help you create more deeply and more regularly, that allow you to detach more effectively from the everyday chaos of life…
At this point a deep rage overcame me, and I had to stop. Read the rest of this entry »
I suspect the the faucet in my shower is not connected to a simple arrangement of valves in the wall. No, I believe that the handle is connected, via a series of strings and pulleys, to a pair of bells on the roof of my apartment building. On the roof, around the bells, lies a village full of tiny elves, amidst a forest of tiny trees, at the foot of a tiny mountain. In the middle of the village is a large cauldron that holds the water that feeds into my shower. Read the rest of this entry »
Phys.org just posted a brief article about how the Hangenberg extinction event led to the rise of ray-finned fish in the ocean. You and I care because current evolutionary thinking says our hands are just seriously mutated ray-fins. Without the major extinction event at the end of the Devonian, we might all be walking lungfish. Of course, the Hangenberg event was an extinction caused by the sudden rise in plant life on land, so if it had never happened there probably wouldn’t be much incentive for life to have started wandering around out of the ocean in the first place.
But this got me to thinking about the morality of extinction, because – make no bones about it – human life is an extinction event. Now we just have to decide how we’re going to handle it. Read the rest of this entry »