Paul Ryan Finishes 3rd in Indy 500

In a first for any Vice-Presidential candidate, Paul Ryan took third place at last weekend’s Indianapolis 500 race. “I wanted to show the voters how hard I can push,” said Ryan, “It’s important for them to know their leaders are capable of being winners.”

Ryan spent most of Saturday at the Four-Seasons in Indianapolis at a twenty-five-thousand-dollar per plate fundraising lunch, leaving in time to arrive at the Indianapolis track in the closing minutes of the three hour race. Once there, he gained access to the track and proceeded to step out onto the raceway, flagging down then race leader R. Bobby during lap 199 of 200.

“I couldn’t believe it,” recalls Bobby. “First I was like, ‘What the eff is someone doing on the track?’ Then I was like, ‘Hot damn, that’s our future vice president!'”

Ryan, using his finely honed speaking skills, quickly convinced Bobby to surrender his car. The delay allowed the second and third place runners to overtake Bobby’s car, but after getting his seat belt fastened and smiling for a barrage of photos, Ryan took off and managed to hold on to third place for the last third of the final lap of the race.

“He’s really a guy who goes all the way,” Janna Ryan, Paul’s wife, told reporters. “He’d drive five hundred miles every day if he thought he could save one little baby from being murdered by liberals. That’s how much he cares.”

Bobby, when asked if he would still vote for Ryan, even though Ryan had cost Bobby the race by taking credit for his hard work at the last minute, said, “Well, of course I’m voting Romney-Ryan! I hate socialists and dead babies, and I know that Obama will make us all one or the other if he wins a second term. You know, since he didn’t do it in his first term. This is his last chance! He has to be stopped!”

When asked how he felt about his third-place finish, Ryan said, “What race were you watching? I came in first. Who’s saying I didn’t? The lame-stream media? Not that it matters. What matters is that I’m a hardworking guy, and I finished the Indy 500 in less than a minute. That’s a good time, right? I mean, it sounds right to me, and I’m a numbers guy.”

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